How We Got Here

I wanted to write a post providing a little background as to why Trey and I chose to foster. This is not something that has always been on my radar. When we got married, Trey and I discussed the possibility of adopting one day. He was more "for it" than I was, but I was also wanting to have biological children first. I would definitely be open to adoption after we had our own children.

A little over a year into our marriage, Trey and I got pregnant with our first little one. We named the child Benton, although we did not make it far enough along into the pregnancy to find out the gender. I had an early miscarriage. We were devastated by this loss, which also came on the heals of losing our brother-in-law to a terrible car accident. We named the baby Benton because that name means "little blessed one," and we cannot imagine anything more blessed than going straight into the arms of the Lord and not ever having to face the sinfulness and brokenness of this world.

That was a time of intense grief but also intense closeness to the Lord. We leaned on Him in ways we could not have understood had we not experienced these losses. Several months later we moved to our current home, hopeful and waiting for our next positive pregnancy test.

This positive did not come until 9 months later. That September of 2010, we found out we were expecting again. Words cannot describe the joy of this life and also the fear of losing another baby! But we made it through the first trimester with no problems, and in June of 2011, we welcomed our precious girl, Kate, into this world. The loss of one baby and the wait for the next allowed us to fully experience gratitude for this life God has granted us.

After Kate, we were ready to get pregnant again. I nursed exclusively for the first 12 months of Kate's life, but as I began to wean her, we were hopeful for another baby. This wait became longer and longer, and soon we were celebrating Kate's 2nd birthday. I had some health problems that year, my mom spent time in the hospital, and I had to travel frequently for preparation and celebration of my sister's wedding. The delayed "positive" on a pregnancy test made us wonder if something was wrong or if it had to do with the stress and hectic schedule of that year.

I guess we will never fully know the answer as to "why," but near the end of 2013, we did learn that we had a fertility problem. It is not one that is hopeless, and it is not one for which we plan to pursue much intensive fertility treatment. In the midst of all this waiting and wondering, God was also stirring in our hearts a longing to adopt. While the possibility and hope of more biological children is real for us, we realized there is no right order to natural and adopted children. We realized we could mix things up a bit.

In the fall of 2013, Trey and I watched the movie October Baby. After the movie, we found ourselves fighting tears and looking at the state of Texas' website at the children who are available for adoption. We didn't know "what" specifically at the time, but we knew the Lord was drawing us in to the world of orphan care.

There are many details in between, but for the sake of this blog post, I will tell you that we learned you can adopt from the foster care system, which is an essentially "free of charge" process. There are pros and cons for going this route, but as we began to explore our options, we realized we didn't want to just adopt, but to foster first. Because of Kate's age, we didn't want to adopt an older child. Kate is our first priority as we make all these considerations and decisions.

We decided we wanted to adopt a baby, and it is easier to adopt a baby by fostering first. There is also the higher chance of having to give the baby back, but that was a situation we were willing to face (see my previous post for our thoughts on this, as we just walked through this situation).

So that is our journey in a nutshell to becoming foster parents. I will be writing more in the coming days and weeks on how the process has been and common questions we have been asked. If you have any specific questions, please feel free to email me at karaj83@gmail.com. I can answer them personally and also address any general questions on the blog.

Fostering Broken Treasures

It was supposed to be the first routine visit with his conservatorship caseworker. Trey came home from work at 1:30 so he could also meet the man who would be walking this journey with us.  Chad had been in our home for two weeks at this point, and we had settled into a comfortable routine as a family of four. We were so content and thankful. We had been told by more than one official that Chad would be in our home for at least 6 months, but more likely up to a year.

And then, in the midst of this routine visit, Chad’s caseworker casually tells us that Chad will likely be moved in the next month.

What? I don’t think I heard him right.

But then he repeats himself, and I know it’s true. A fictive (friend of the biological family) kin has come forward and will have a home study this Saturday. The home study will almost undoubtedly be approved, as they have helped with foster children in the past. Chad will be leaving our home.

It was the moment I’d heard about and pretended might never come. But it was reality, and it would undoubtedly come far sooner than I had planned. Our first foster son, who we loved, prayed for, and hoped in our hearts might stay in our home forever, was going to leave us.

When Trey and I first began our journey toward becoming foster parents, many people would say things like, “Oh I admire you for that. I could never do such a thing. I could never give the child back,” or, “I could bring the child into my home but I couldn’t let him go.” I completely understand such sentiments, and honestly have felt the same way at times. The thought of bringing a broken treasure into your home and making that one a part of your family, only to have to give him or her up eventually, seems impossible.

And let me tell you: it is impossible, out of your own strength and will. But I am writing this post today to counter false beliefs I’ve either held or heard in our journey as foster parents. I am writing this because I want to share what I’ve learned.

It is crucial to note that the Lord has a heart for orphans. Throughout Scripture, the Lord provides careful instruction to His people on our responsibility to care for the fatherless (Ex. 22:22; Is. 1:17; Deut.14:28-30; 26:12-14). God calls Himself the Father to the fatherless (Ps. 68:5) and executes justice for them (Deut. 10:18; Ps. 10:14). The people of God will be held responsible for whether or not we care for orphans (Matt. 18:5; 25:45).

Basically, caring for orphans is not optional for the church. It is not optional for individual believers. God has set into motion His church as His physical hands and feet to care for those in the greatest of need. We are without excuse.

Focus on the Family has a chart showing the number of children in foster care that were waiting to be adopted in 2012 for each state. Next to these numbers, they have the number of churches in each state. I am from Texas, and I was appalled to see that churches outnumbered those children waiting to be adopted by more than double. In other words, if only one family for every two churches had adopted a child from foster care in 2012, we would have found permanent Christian homes for every child ready for adoption from foster care in the state of Texas. Then, if those two churches (or even one church) could have surrounded that one family with love and support, the body of believers would be truly exercising our calling.

But those numbers are just for adoption of these orphans. There is also the need for those in the system, foster children whose parents are unable for whatever reason to care for them for a season. These children may or may not be reunited with their biological parents; this is yet to be determined. Their lives are in disorder. They only know chaos as a familiar friend.

It is for these children that I am speaking today. My good friend Kim put it so well: we are not told in James 1:27 that pure religion is “to look after orphans and widows…” only if they can stay in your home forever. No. That is not it. We are told to look after orphans and widows “in their distress!” Future undetermined. No promise of this being their forever home. Get down and get messy, because that is what they need.

The Gospel is that gutsy. It is that raw. As believers, we are not promised easy lives, but we are promised rewarding lives as we follow after Christ. And by rewarding, I don’t necessarily mean in this life. There are eternal rewards that far outweigh the temporary gains that we so often get stuck pursuing (2 Cor. 4:17). 

So back to Chad. He moved in with his new family yesterday. We handed over this precious boy that so quickly gained our hearts’ affections. I washed all his clothes, packed up the letters of his name that we had hung on his bedroom wall, and I handed over my son. But you see, this is the thing: he was never my son. He was the one that God entrusted to our family for a season, and Trey and I loved him and cared for him as our son. But he was never our forever son.

This is the point I hope to get across to the church: this is our calling! I know that not everyone is called to foster, but we are all called to do something. We are called to be obedient. And I’m just going to throw this out there, but I do believe more are called to foster than are doing so. For those of you who doubt you could foster because you think, “I could never give a child back,” you can! If I can do it, you can.

How can I do it? By the power of Christ in me. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it messy? Yes. Did I already have dreams of Chad being the one we would adopt as our son? Of course. But do I trust that God has a plan for my family, for Chad’s life, and for all those details in between? Without a doubt. And last question: Was it worth it?

YES!

Chad came to us not making any cooing noises. They thought he might be deaf, but during the month and half he lived with us and had a family who would hold him, talk to him, and give him attention, he has begun to coo and to catch up on his developmental milestones. He came to us weighing in the 8^th percentile for his age, and he grew to be quite a heavy little guy with a consistent, healthy diet. He did not sleep through the night but slept more like a newborn, but with a secure and predictable environment, he became routine, sleeping through the night and taking two naps a day.

Most importantly, Chad heard about God’s love. He may be too young to understand or remember it, but I believe there is power in speaking Truth into someone’s life. We prayed for him, as did our family and our church family. He will forever have prayer warriors he might never meet. Trey and I chose scripture to pray specifically over Chad (Ps. 91:14-16), and we have joy in knowing that his new mom and dad will also be praying these verses over him.

Was it worth it? Absolutely.

We are waiting now for the call. Whenever that next child is in need of a home, they will call us, and all will be set into motion. We will pull out all that baby stuff. We will set out clothes and pull out the bassinet, if needed. The car seat will be loaded in my car. We will text our support group and let our church family know. And we will do it again with joy in our hearts. We will face the sleepless nights. We will hug and love that one who can’t be consoled because their world is in chaos. We will watch our biological two year old fall in love with another foster sibling, knowing that again she might have to say goodbye.

Because let me tell you a precious nugget that God has shown me: no one has so much love for children that they are off the hook. You cannot tell me, “Oh, I could never give a child back” and think that this means you are excused. None of us has an excuse to do nothing. I could not possibly love a little one more than the Heavenly Father who created that child. And our Heavenly Father, who lavishes His love on the fatherless, expects us to love these little ones, too. This love is not a verbal one, but a physical and messy love. It is a love that is backed up by action. It is a sacrificial love that does not give up in the face of adversity.

We are all called to do something. Not in our strength can we do it, but we have within our reach the One who gives us new mercies every morning. We have one who is Faithful (Lam. 3:22-24). And He will supply all our need with His glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:19).

Amen.